“Yes, Daddy”… or Boy, Please?
Reinventing Desire, Boundaries, and the Second Act with Zen Ashe on Spicy Bananas Podcast
Here’s the deal: some people give “Yes, daddy” energy online… then you meet them and it’s straight “boy, please.” Expectations vs. reality is the modern dating circus in one sentence.
This episode of Spicy Bananas goes there. B1 and B2 sit down with Zen Ashe—nationally recognized educator, bestselling author, host of the Zen Energy podcast, and a woman who rebuilt her life after two divorces, 170+ dates, and a total mindset reset. The conversation is messy, brave, and refreshingly honest about sex, shame, spirituality, and starting over.
Let’s be real: if your second act still looks like your first, you didn’t reinvent—you just repeated.
From Purity Scripts to Personal Power
Zen was raised under purity culture: be a “good girl,” save sex for marriage, and shrink your desires. Result? Low self-worth, a sex life built around someone else’s needs, and a quiet war with her own body.
The turning point came before divorce number two. She made a deal with herself: start over for real. That meant dropping inherited rules, church scripts, and everyone else’s expectations. Not rebellious for shock value—rebellious for survival.
Key reframe:
Your body, your values, your decisions. Morality isn’t a leash. It’s alignment.
Dating 170+ Times: Patterns, Red Flags, and the “Boy Please” Index
When you date that much with your eyes open, you start seeing categories:
- Boundary Testers: Interested in where your “no” actually holds.
- Manipulators: Love-bombers with shifting stories.
- Patriarchal Princes: Big talk, bigger double standards.
- Therapy Seekers: Want a girlfriend and an unpaid therapist in one.
- The Mommy/Maid Myth: Looking for domestic labor under the label “love.”
And then there’s “Yes Daddy” vs. “Boy Please.”
Online swagger is cheap. Reality checks are free.
Non-negotiable skill: listening to your gut. Zen ignored hers once because the chemistry was blinding and the man was beautiful. The story ended exactly how your gut predicted. File under: expensive lessons.
The Vibe Shift Is Real: You Evolve, Your Matches Evolve
In the early post-divorce phase, Zen attracted no-strings situations because that’s what she wanted. As she deepened into business goals and spiritual work, her dates changed: more driven, more values-aligned, more present.
Translation: when you raise your standards and self-respect, your dating pool changes—or dries up. Both are wins.
Friendship With Your Own Body Comes First
Coming from sexual suppression, Zen had to reclaim her sensuality on her terms. That looked like:
- Treating self-care as a signal to self, not a performance for others.
- Normalizing desire and conversation in safe spaces.
- Choosing partners who are givers, not graders.
- Discovering she was multi-orgasmic at 43 because she finally felt safe, seen, and prioritized.
If that sentence made you flinch, that’s the conditioning talking.
Sacred + Sensual + Practical
Zen refuses to separate spirituality from sexuality. She can pray, curse, host a sister circle, set boundaries, and enjoy a friends-with-benefits season without asking for permission from a morality police that was never on her payroll.
Principle: authenticity over approval. Approval is rented. Authenticity is owned.
What Women 40+ Need to Unlearn—Fast
- Your worth isn’t a body count. Stop negotiating with people who reduce you to a scoreboard.
- Titles aren’t insurance. Some of the most respectful treatment came without a ring or label.
- Don’t outsource validation. If he can grant it, he can yank it. Build from the inside out.
- Capacity over chemistry. He can be confident and masculine and still lack emotional range. Watch how he handles stress, conflict, and responsibility.
Reality check: Men can promise the ocean. Measure how they swim when the tide rises.
Boundaries That Actually Work
- Write before you fight. When emotions spike, Zen and partners text or write first. It slows the spiral and clarifies thought.
- Date without the audience. Keep friends, family, and “the internet” out of your business.
- Touch outside the bedroom. Affection is daily maintenance, not just a special-event activity.
- Leave when your gut whispers. Waiting for proof is how you pay tuition to the school of hard knocks.
Rebuilding Desire After Suppression
Paths differ, but the engine is the same: permission.
- Start with body-positive self-care.
- Join rooms where desire is discussed without shame.
- Audit your beliefs about “good woman” vs. “bad woman.” Who taught you that? Did you agree?
- Practice saying what you want—out loud, without apologizing.
If you’re waiting for the shame to disappear before you start, you’ll wait forever. You move, the shame dissolves.
The Second Act Is Hotter, Wiser, Wilder
Why sex often gets better after 40:
- You know what you like and you say it.
- You filter faster.
- You pick partners who take pride in giving, not just receiving.
- You’re done auditioning for approval and free to enjoy your own life.
Unexpected joy: being valued for your presence, not your performance. Gifts, dates, vacations, quality time—because you’re you, not because you cooked, cleaned, or contorted.
Spotting “Spiritual” That’s Actually Toxic
- Purity over personhood: equating a woman’s value with sexual restraint.
- Submission cosplay: using scripture to justify control and double standards.
- Shame as discipline: confusing accountability with humiliation.
If a belief system needs your silence to function, it’s not sacred. It’s fragile.
A Simple Framework to Date Like You Mean It
Audit:
- What do I actually want this quarter? Companionship, fun, LTR, exploration?
- What behaviors from me attract the opposite?
Filter:
- State boundaries early.
- Watch actions for 30 days. No exceptions. No potential. Patterns only.
Feel:
- Stay in your body on dates: relaxed or braced? open or negotiating?
- If your gut says “boy, please,” you’re done.
Fortify:
- Journal the patterns.
- Therapy if the same red flag keeps wearing a new face.
- Expand your rooms: different apps, communities, events that match who you’re becoming.
Pull Quotes You’ll Want to Steal
- “Approval is rented. Authenticity is owned.”
- “Titles don’t guarantee treatment.”
- “Capacity beats chemistry when life gets hard.”
- “If your second act looks like your first, that’s not reinvention. That’s repetition.”
- “Your desire is not a problem to solve. It’s a language to learn.”
Final Word
Most people wait for permission to live. Zen stopped waiting. She dropped the scripts, learned her body, raised her standards, and let the wrong rooms empty so the right rooms could fill. That’s not luck. That’s leadership of self.
If your story needs a plot twist, write it.
Listen: Spicy Bananas Podcast with B1 and B2, featuring Zen Ashe
Explore: Zen Energy Podcast, “Plenty of Guppies” memoirs, guided journal, planner
Next step: Pick one belief about sex, love, or worth you inherited. Cross-examine it today. Keep what serves. Burn what doesn’t.
🎧 Listen to the full episode now:
👉Can 170 First Dates Heal a Broken Marriage and a Woman’s Soul?
– Episode 20