Raw Connection, Real Recovery: Turning Divorce, Burnout, and “I’m Fine” Into a Comeback You Actually Believe
Let’s be real, most people are cosplaying confidence while quietly falling apart. Today’s episode of Spicy Bananas cuts through the polite lies. No fluff. No cutesy affirmations. Just a hard reset on what it takes to rebuild when life face-plants you.
Our guest, Alan Verbeck, calls himself a performance coach for the emotionally wrecked, the recently divorced, the gloriously burnt out, and anyone circling the drain of “I’m fine.” His story is rough. Divorce. Anxiety. Panic. That hollow, end-of-the-bottle kind of darkness. The truth is, he didn’t crawl out by accident. He built a system, one grounded in values, vulnerability, and viciously intentional days, and now he teaches it to people who are ready to stop spiraling and start living.
Here’s the deal: if you’re serious about getting your life back, this isn’t theory. It’s practice. Let’s break it down.
The Value That Changes Everything: Raw Connection
Alan’s top value? Raw connection. Not small talk. Not networking. Not “like and subscribe” validation. Raw connection means using someone’s name at the checkout. Asking a better question than “How are you?” It means seeing people and letting yourself be seen.
“What are your core values? Not the Instagram list. The real ones. ‘Family’ is vague. What part of ‘family’ is sacred to you, trust, presence, resilience, loyalty?”
Action: Write down your top three values. Now dissect each one until it becomes a single hard word that changes your behavior today. Not someday, today.
- If “family” is actually present, put your phone face down at dinner.
- If “freedom” is actually ownership, stop outsourcing blame.
- If “success” is actually progress, pick one action that moves the needle, then do it before noon.
Most people never get this far because they’re busy performing “fine.” Don’t be like most people.
Ego vs. Vulnerability: The Moment You Stop Drowning
Men especially get trapped in the “I got this” prison. Alan did too. Then he cracked.
“The opposite of ego is vulnerability. The second I said ‘I don’t have this; I need help,’ everything changed.”
Translation: Your ego will let you burn your life down before it lets you ask for help. Choose differently.
Try this:
- Tell one person, “I’m not okay with X. I need help with Y.”
- Book a call, coach, counselor, mentor, friend. Don’t overthink the perfect fit. Move.
- Start a three-line nightly debrief:
- What happened?
- What did I actually feel?
- What did I learn I’ll use tomorrow?
Vulnerability isn’t performative. It’s operational.
The “Living in Color” Method: Run Your Day, Don’t Let It Run You
Alan’s calendar looks like a kid’s coloring book, and that’s the point. He color-codes life domains so he knows exactly which version of himself to activate before the day starts.
- Orange – Learning / Mind magic
- Pink – Relationship / Presence
- Green – Clients / Service
- Red – Health / Training
Open the calendar, see the color, snap into the right role. That’s intentional living, not just blocking time, but assigning identity to that time.
Build Yours in 10 Minutes:
- Pick 5 life domains (Health, Work, Relationships, Growth, Recovery).
- Give each a color.
- Label every block this week with the matching color + a verb (“Green Serve,” “Red Train”).
- Each morning, review the palette and ask: “Which self do I need to be first?”
No motivation? No problem. You’re not chasing a feeling, you’re following a color-coded contract.
Pity Party → Power Play: Flip the Narrative
You want a blunt truth? Ruminating is ego wearing shame.
“I should’ve…” “Why didn’t I…” “If only I…” It feels productive. It’s not.
The shift: Stop asking “Why me?” Start asking “What now?”
Then ask, “How did my choice impact others?” and “What will I do differently next time?”
Do this today:
- Write one apology (to yourself or someone else) with a clear, forward commitment.
- Replace one numbing behavior with a shorter, cleaner reset (10-minute walk, breathwork, quick lift, one song at full volume).
- Tell a friend: “If I start overdoing my ‘healthy’ coping mechanisms, call me out.” Accountability saves you from swapping addictions.
Signs You’re Actually Healing (Not Just Posting About It)
Let’s cut it straight. Healing rarely looks like a highlight reel.
Real signs:
- You stop explaining your pain to people committed to misunderstanding it.
- Your calendar reflects your values more than your triggers.
- You go quiet on social for a while, not to disappear, but to rebuild in private.
- Your language shifts from “always/never” to specifics: “I felt anxious at 3 p.m., so I took a 12-minute walk and made the call anyway.”
If you’re curating your recovery for applause, you’re still performing. Recovery is dirty. Keep going.
The Customer Service Wake-Up Call: People Are Starved to Be Seen
A theme that kept punching through the conversation: we’ve normalized not seeing each other. Retail. Car yards. Even friendships. Transactional. Tired. Checked out.
The fix isn’t complicated: use names, ask better questions, actually listen. That’s it. That’s the whole edge most people ignore.
Upgrade your questions:
- Instead of “How’s work?” → “What happened at work this week you’re proud of?”
- Instead of “How are you?” → “What’s one thing you’re carrying that I can lighten, even a little?”
- Instead of “Need anything?” → “I’m free Friday 2–3. Want me to watch the kids so you can nap?”
Quality questions make quality lives. That’s not a slogan; it’s an operating system.
Flirting With Your Reflection: How Self-Respect Starts
No, not the cheesy mirror talk (unless that works for you). This is about demonstrating self-respect, not declaring it.
Three proofs:
- Boundaries you enforce. Not argued, enforced.
- Habits you keep when no one’s watching. Ten minutes count.
- People you allow near you. If they drag you back to a past you outgrew, that’s a tax you can’t afford.
Want a simple win? Name your comeback era. Titles create momentum. “Q4: Ground Game.” “The Summer of Follow-Through.” Make it a thing.
The Comeback Brag You’re Allowed to Make
Most people flex results and hide the process. That’s backwards.
Brag about who you are becoming.
Alan calls his inner identity “the Mountain.” Unmoving. Weather any storm. That medallion he wears? Not decoration. It’s a fast switch into the person he promised to be.
Pick yours. The Anchor. The Engine. The North Star. Give your identity a name and a token. Put it on daily. Become it on purpose.
When Numbing Isn’t “Bad”—It’s Information
Coping vices aren’t just booze and doom-scrolling. They can be “healthy” too, gym, grind, hustle, even meditation, when you use them to avoid your life. The play isn’t to go Puritan. The play is to notice, label, and right-size.
- Ask: “What itch am I scratching, escape or restoration?”
- Scale it: 0–10. If it’s >7 consistently, loop in accountability.
- Swap one long numbing block for two short restorative blocks and one hard action you’ve been dodging.
You don’t need a new personality. You need new defaults.
A 7-Day “Raw Connection” Reset (Do It. No Excuses.)
Day 1 – Values Cut-To-Core
Pick 3 values. Reduce each to one hard word. Write one behavior per value you’ll do tomorrow.
Day 2 – Color Your Calendar
Assign colors to 5 domains. Label blocks with a verb. Review colors every morning.
Day 3 – Vulnerability Rep
Tell one truth you’ve been hiding from yourself or someone close. Ask for one specific help.
Day 4 – One Apology, One Commitment
Clean it up. Short. Direct. Future-focused.
Day 5 – Upgrade Your Questions
Ask two people one high-quality question each. Listen without fixing.
Day 6 – Environment Edit
Delete one trigger app for 72 hours. Replace with a 12-minute ritual (walk, breathe, write).
Day 7 – Identity Anchor
Name your inner identity. Choose a token (coin, ring, band, charm). Put it on before the hardest task.
Do this for a week and tell me your life doesn’t move. It will.
Pull Quotes Worth Sticking on Your Wall
- “The opposite of ego is vulnerability.”
- “Stop asking ‘Why me?’ Start asking ‘What now?’”
- “Color isn’t decoration; it’s identity on your calendar.”
- “Healing looks boring on camera because it’s real.”
- “Brag about who you’re becoming, not what you’re pretending.”
Final Word: You’re Not Broken. You’re Early.
Rock bottom isn’t the end of the book, it’s the chapter that forces you to write honestly. If your life feels crispy, maybe you’re just preheating. Turn that heat into direction. Choose raw connection over performance. Choose vulnerability over ego. Choose identity over impulses. Then back it with systems.
Most people won’t. You will.
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Listen to the full Spicy Bananas episode with Alan Verbeck and take notes. Then take action. If you want a one-page template of the Living in Color calendar + the 7-Day Reset, say the word and I’ll drop a plug-and-play version you can use in Google Calendar or print.
🎧 Listen to the full episode now:
👉Divorced, Burnt Out & Starting Over: What If This Is Your Comeback Era?
– Episode 24