When Your Past Blocks Your Pleasure: Why Sex Isn’t Broken, It’s Buried
Here’s the truth: for a lot of men, sex has always just been “there.” Libido was automatic, erections showed up on command, and desire felt like breathing. But then one day, the body says no. Suddenly, the script flips:
“What’s wrong with me? Do I have erectile dysfunction? Am I broken? Is my sex life over?”
That panic spiral is real. And it’s exactly the kind of taboo conversation that happens on the Spicy Bananas Podcast, where B1 and B2 turn the awkward into normal, because it is normal.
This week’s guest, Dr. Jenny Hale, trauma-informed coach, speaker, and unapologetic truth teller, cuts straight to the real reason so many high-functioning adults end up sexually stuck, emotionally miswired, and spiritually frustrated. Spoiler: It is not about broken bodies. It is about unhealed stories.
When “Normal” Childhood Isn’t Enough
Dr. Jenny shares her own story: growing up in what looked like the perfect middle class childhood, good school, stable home, extracurriculars. No chaos, no obvious trauma. But by her mid 30s she hit total burnout. Why?
Because “normal” does not always mean nurtured. Parents stretched thin. Emotional needs missed. Subtle disconnects in those crucial first years of development. And here is the kicker, when those gaps never get addressed, they do not just vanish. They show up later in the bedroom.
“Your body keeps the score. If safety, connection, and attunement weren’t there early on, sex becomes about survival, not pleasure.” —Dr. Jenny Hale
Workaholism, Burnout, and Bedroom Shutdown
Before the libido crashes, the life usually does. Overwork, people pleasing, and always performing to earn validation. These coping strategies often mask deeper wounds. Dr. Jenny admits she envied a friend checking into rehab, not for detox, but for the permission to stop.
That relentless push to do more numbs the pain until it doesn’t. Cue sexual shutdowns, disconnection, or what looks like dysfunction.
The Male Blind Spot: When Testosterone No Longer Overrides Truth
Here is where it gets eye-opening.
- In youth: testosterone steamrolls emotions. A guy might think “this feels wrong,” but still goes through with it anyway.
- By 30 to 40: hormone levels out, emotions creep in. Suddenly, the body will not cooperate if the emotional vibe is off.
For women, this negotiation with desire has always existed. If he is a jerk, you are not turned on. For men, this can feel brand new. They panic, thinking they are broken. In reality, it is emotional alignment finally catching up.
Not dysfunction. Information.
Sexual Trauma Without the Obvious Trauma
Many men carry unrecognized sexual trauma. Not from assault, but from situations testosterone dragged them into as teens, experiences they did not really want, but went along with anyway.
Later, when a partner triggers the same emotional notes, the body shuts down. Not out of failure, but out of memory. Until that inner teenager gets heard, healed, and validated, the cycle repeats.
Crying During Sex? You Are Not Weird. You Are Healing.
Ever cried in bed and had no clue why? Dr. Jenny explains that it is often the body that finally feels safe enough to release stored emotion. Sex floods the brain with endorphins, relaxes defenses, and allows emotions to surface. Tears are not a weakness. They are proof that you are safe enough to let go.
The Real Block: What Didn’t Happen
We focus too much on what happened, big traumas, abuse, disasters. Often, the block comes from what didn’t happen:
- The hug you did not get
- The parent is too tired to listen
- The emotional presence that was missing
This absence becomes wired into the nervous system as a sense of unsafety. Later, sex feels disconnected, not because you are broken, but because your body never learned safety as a default.
Multiple Orgasms For Men Too
Yes, you read that right. Men can experience multiple orgasms if they break their attachment to ejaculation.
- Ejaculation equals a dopamine spike and system shutdown
- Without ejaculation, you can ride waves of orgasmic pleasure for extended periods
It requires retraining, patience, and the art of edging. The payoff is an entirely new dimension of intimacy.
Sacred Sex vs Spiritual BS
Some men dress up manipulation as sacred healing. Reality check:
- Healing comes from your own body and energy
- A partner may hold space, but they are not the magic
- If he claims mystical powers to heal you with his anatomy, that is a red flag
The Fawn Response: Sex for Peacekeeping
Ever had sex just to keep the peace? That is not low libido. That is a trauma response. Fawning is when you abandon your own desire to manage someone else’s emotions. The cost is disconnection, resentment, and zero authentic intimacy.
Real turn on is not lingerie or gadgets, though those can be fun. It is attunement, a partner tuned into your cues and caring enough to adjust in real time.
The Inner Child Whisper
If Dr. Jenny could whisper one truth to your inner child, it would be this:
“You do not have to do adult sexy things unless you really want to.”
Too many adults are still dragging their inner kids into situations they never wanted. Healing begins when you stop.
The Takeaway
Sexual dysfunction often is not the end of desire. It is the body’s way of saying, “I will not keep ignoring this.”
- For men, when testosterone stops masking emotions, the truth shows up in the bedroom
- For women, emotional safety has always been the gatekeeper to pleasure
- For everyone, the answer is not to force or fake it, it is to heal the layers that sex keeps exposing
You are not broken. You are blocked. Blocks can be moved.
Listen to the full conversation on Spicy Bananas Podcast, where B1, B2, and Dr. Jenny Hale get raw, cheeky, and radically honest about the link between childhood wounds and adult intimacy.
Sometimes the most important sex tip is not about toys, positions, or pills. It is about finally feeling safe enough to feel at all.
🎧 Listen to the full episode now:
👉Sex After Trauma: How to Reclaim Desire, Safety & Pleasure
– Episode 21