Nothing’s Off Limits: How to Get Out of the Shame-Loop and Reboot Your Sex Life
(Notes from Spicy Bananas with guests Angela Skirto sex therapist, educator, and straight-shooting human)
If you clicked because the title sounded a bit spicy, good. If you stuck around for a real conversation about why so many couples feel emotionally and sexually disconnected, even when they live under the same roof, better. This episode of Spicy Bananas wasn’t fluff; it was a wake-up call. We sat with Angela Skirto, a blunt, funny, clinical sex therapist who’s been doing this work for nearly 20 years, and she handed us a practical blueprint for getting out of the shame loop and back into connection.
Below: the cleaned-up, no-nonsense takeaways you can actually use. Read it. Share it. Try one thing this week.
TL;DR
The problem, in one brutal sentence
Shame + poor communication + bad cultural messaging = people who can’t feel sexual or emotional connection. Fix any one of those, and things start to move. Fix all three and you might actually enjoy your partner again.
Why people still blush talking about sex (and why that matters)
Angela’s quick take: most of us learned to treat sex like a bad secret. Whether it was religious shame, “purity culture,” or families that never spoke about bodies, messages about sex are overwhelmingly negative for lots of people. So you’ve got adults expected to behave sexually on cue, with zero education or emotional tools. That’s not going to end well.
In short: when the baseline cultural message is “don’t ask, don’t tell,” desire becomes a performance or a checkbox, not a living, breathing part of a relationship.
Men and loneliness: why men are more than “angry, horny, winning”
One of Angela’s sharp points: society often teaches men they’re allowed three emotions — anger, arousal, or “winning.” Everything else gets penalized. The fallout? Men who are lonely inside relationships because they can’t be tender, scared, or ashamed without being mocked or shamed for it. That emotional stunting kills intimacy.
Practical takeaway: men need explicit permission, from partners and from social circles, to feel everything. That’s where counseling, group work, or consistent, low-stakes vulnerability practices help.
Women and desire: it’s not broken, it’s silenced
Women’s libido problems are rarely biological alone. Often they’re cultural: repeated messages that sex is shameful, gross, or conditional. Angela’s work digs into the internal monologue women have about their bodies. When your brain is telling you your vulva is “gross,” your nervous system literally numbs out. You can’t feel pleasure when you’re mentally busy berating yourself.
Practical takeaway: start with kinder language. Replace shaming thoughts with curiosity. It’s slow work, but it reconnects sensation to safety.
How education and clinical clarity change everything
Spicy Bananas and Angela both stress that how you talk about sex in a clinical or retail environment matters. Clinical terms (penis, vulva, clitoris) keep the conversation on the brain, not down in the shame. If the person in front of you is shut down, neutral language + humor + curiosity is the fastest way to open a useful conversation.
Also: adult toy shops that teach rather than sell are doing hugely important public-health work. Pick those shops. They’ll point you toward safe, body-appropriate tools and how to use them.
Concrete tools you can try this week (yes, actually do one)
- 20-minute check-in: block 20 minutes with your partner. No phones. One person talks for five minutes about what’s missing; the other listens without defending or fixing. Switch. That’s it. No negotiation required — just listening.
- Jar game: make three jars or piles — “G,” “PG,” and “Spicy.” Each partner writes a few things they’re curious about and drops the slips in. Now you can negotiate consent and curiosity without the ambush factor.
- Mirror/Language exercise (for body kindness): spend 3 minutes describing one body part you dislike, then immediately say one neutral fact about it and one thing you appreciate. Repeat over days.
- Sensate focus starter: non-goal-oriented touch for five minutes: hands on arms, then shoulders, nothing sexual expected — notice tension vs. relaxation. This rebuilds safe touch pathways.
- Men’s micro-vulnerability: name one non-angry feeling out loud during the day (e.g., “I felt insecure about that meeting”). Small, repeated acts of naming expand emotional range.
Toys are tools — treat them like that
Stop the DIY horror stories. Use the right material (medical-grade silicone, flared bases for anal play), pick the right size, and use lube. If you’re shopping, go to a place that explains physiology and safety. Adult toys are not frivolous — they’re often the right tool for exploring sensation, pelvic health, or couple connection.
When to get help (and why therapy actually helps)
If shame, trauma, or a history of abuse is in the picture, don’t DIY your way out. Therapy, sex-positive counseling, or medically-informed coaching can cut through entrenched patterns faster than “just try harder.” Angela’s clinics and workshops (and resources like her Open Bedroom Doors work) are examples of practical, supportive ways to learn.
Final note: communication is the big f***ing deal
Angela and Spicy Bananas both come back to this: the single most powerful intervention is sustained, honest, nonjudgmental communication. It sounds boring. It’s not. It’s the infrastructure that holds desire, curiosity, and fun.
So here’s your homework: pick one tool above. Do it once. If it changes nothing, try a second. If things begin to shift, keep going. Relationships are habit-heavy — make better habits the default.
Stay curious. Stay brave. Stay spicy.
🎧 Listen to the full episode now:
👉 The Truth About Sex No One Talks About
– Episode 4