Put Yourself First: How Saying “No” (and Pausing) Lets You Give More Lessons from Tina Fletcher on Spicy Bananas
There’s a quiet epidemic among women: we’re exhausted, undervalued, and carrying a backpack full of “yes”es we never consciously chose. On a recent episode of Spicy Bananas, your cheeky, no-judgement podcast about body confidence, sexuality, and relationships, Tina Fletcher (army vet turned branding guru turned movement-maker) sat down with B1 and B2 and delivered some of the clearest, most practical truth bombs about self-permission I’ve heard in a long time.
This isn’t a guilt trip. It’s a wake-up call. Here’s the long-form version of what Tina taught us and how to start putting yourself first, without drama.
Why “put yourself first” isn’t selfish, it’s strategic
Tina’s central idea is deceptively simple: if you come first, you can give so much more. When you operate from depletion, smiling and saying yes because it’s expected, you’re giving from an empty cup. That half-hearted energy isn’t just less effective; it actually harms the people and projects you care about because it trains everyone around you to expect less of your best.
“Selfish” has been weaponized against women for generations. Tina flips that on its head: claiming selfishness is reclaiming the agency to choose how (and how well) you show up. It’s not about never helping others; it’s about making conscious choices rather than reflexive ones.
The “weight of yes”, invisible, heavy, cumulative
Imagine putting a small stone in your pocket every time you say yes without meaning to. One stone is negligible. But repeat that for days, months, years — and the weight changes your posture, your mood, your life.
Tina calls this the weight of yes. It’s not just about big commitments; it’s the tiny micro-yeses: staying late at work because you don’t want to be “rude,” agreeing to weekend plans when your body needs rest, laughing off a joke that makes you uncomfortable. They seem small in the moment, but they add up.
Recognizing those “automatic yes” moments is the first step toward lightening the load.
Why women say yes (before we even know we did)
Tina breaks it down: we’re conditioned. From childhood we’re praised for being “good girls” — quiet, tidy, compliant. Those social scripts don’t vanish at adulthood. They run on autopilot in our brains, answering for us before we consciously decide. The result: reflexive compliance masquerading as kindness.
That biological/psychological microsecond of automatic response is fixable. It just needs a tiny interruption.
The power move that costs nothing: pause
Here’s the simplest, most powerful tool Tina teaches: pause. When asked to do something (or when your own internal yes bubbles up), give yourself a breath. Three seconds of silence is enough to break autopilot. Ten seconds is enough to come back with something clear: “Can I get back to you?” or “I need until Friday to decide,” or “No, that won’t work for me.”
If silence feels awkward, mirror the request: “So you’d like me to handle X by Wednesday?” Saying it back often reveals that the ask was vaguer or more demanding than you thought — and it gives you space to choose.
Pause = power. Use it.
Reclaiming self-permission: the small wins
Tina is practical. She doesn’t tell you to upend your life overnight. Instead, she recommends tiny wins to rewire habit loops:
- Micro-no: Start with a low-stakes “no.” Turn down one minor request this week (a last-minute meet-up, an extra chore) and notice how it feels.
- Mirror-moment: When your inner critic starts roasting you in the mirror, flip the script. Acknowledge one neutral fact about your body, then one kindness. Repeat.
- Morning pause: Before the day’s “shoulds” begin, take 60 seconds to assess: what do I need today? That one moment of intention nudges your brain away from reflexive yeses.
- Conscious yeses: Make one conscious yes this week. Accept it because it lights you up, not because you’re avoiding conflict.
These are tiny, repeatable, and — crucially — doable. They build momentum.
Sisterhood: your ally, not your rival
Tina points to something surprising (and sad): women can be our own harshest critics and saboteurs. She’s seen women “dish” on another woman more readily than on a man. The solution is cultural and personal: we have to model different behavior. When one woman chooses herself publicly, it opens the permission door for others to do the same.
Choose to be the person who applauds another woman’s boundaries. Literally practice the opposite of gossip — lift. The ripple effect is real.
When saying yes is still a choice (and that’s OK)
Tina makes an important distinction: we won’t — and shouldn’t — say no to everything. Life requires obligations, compromise, and sometimes sacrificial yeses. The difference is awareness and ownership. If you consciously choose to say yes (because of values, necessity, or love), you can show up with energy and integrity. That’s entirely different from an unconscious, resentful yes.
Practical scripts: what to say when you want to pause or say no
Not sure how to phrase it? Borrow these:
- “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”
- “I’m honored, but I can’t commit to that right now.”
- “That sounds important; I need to think about it before I commit.”
- “I can’t do X, but I could help in Y way.”
Simple, clear, and human.
The bigger payoff: more presence, better generosity
Put bluntly: when you come first sometimes, your giving is better. You become more present, more generous, and more capable of sustained contribution — not the exhausted variety that becomes resentment.
Tina’s message isn’t permission to be cold or selfish. It’s permission to be effective, clear, and whole.
Your first assignment (one tiny habit to start today)
Pick one micro-win from above and do it today. Pause before answering one request. Say no to one small thing you don’t want to do. Notice the lift. Write down how it felt. Repeat.
If you’re the type who needs structure: put a “pause alarm” on your phone and practice three forced deep breaths before answering urgent messages for the next five days.
Final note: this is a movement, not a magic trick
Tina’s work — and what Spicy Bananas highlights — is about cultural shift and personal practice. It’s about learning to be conscious about where you spend your energy, teaching your kids by example, and building spaces where women support women. The ladder out of the “weight of yes” climbs one tiny choice at a time.
Come first. Not forever. Not rudely. Just consciously. You’ll be surprised how much more you have to give — and how much lighter you’ll feel carrying it.
🎧 Listen to the full episode now:
👉 What Happens to Your Life When You Stop People-Pleasing?
– Episode 5