Intimacy After Trauma: Real Talk, Real Tools, Real Healing
Here’s the deal. We avoid the sex-and-trauma conversation because it is messy, confronting, and personal, which is exactly why we need to have it. On Spicy Bananas, nothing is off limits and everything is worth reframing. Today’s deep dive is built from our conversation with Sandra Cruz — certified trauma healer, intuitive mentor, Reiki master, and author of Journey to Yourself: How to Heal From Trauma. Her story is heavy. Her tools are practical. And her message is simple: you are not broken.
The Moment Something Shifts
Sandra’s turning point did not look like a Hollywood breakthrough. It looked like two small, honest moments.
- A quartz crystal and a first attempt at stillness. No fancy ritual. Just holding it, sitting with it, noticing sensation. After a few months, she felt lighter and more outspoken. Not “healed.” But shifted.
- A blunt goodbye from an ex. “I’ve been married to a woman with mental issues. I do not want to date one.” Cruel or clarifying, depending on what you do next. Sandra decided to look inward, own her patterns, and stop sabotaging connection.
Two moves. More presence. More truth. Direction, not perfection.
Why Intimacy After Trauma Is So Complicated
Trauma separates you from your body. That disconnection shows up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways:
- Feeling nauseous or freezing when touched a certain way
- Panic, breathlessness, or shutdown mid intimacy
- Avoiding touch or eye contact
- Overperforming or people-pleasing to keep the peace
- Calling it “not in the mood,” when it is actually a trigger
Key point: a trigger is not a choice. It is your nervous system trying to protect you. Treat it as data, not failure.
Myth to Trash Immediately
“Trauma is a life sentence.”
False. You are not broken. As Sandra puts it, you are temporarily misaligned. Alignment can be rebuilt with awareness, boundaries, and consistent small moves.
The Quiet Work That Makes the Loudest Difference
Most people try to fix intimacy by adding techniques, scripts, or toys. Those can help. But the foundation is deeper.
- Reconnect with your body. Solo touch and nonjudgmental self-exploration rebuild agency. You set the pace. You decide yes and no.
- Release shame. Pleasure is not dirty. It is information.
- Name what is true. “This position hurts.” “This pace is too fast.” “I need a minute.” Clarity beats guessing games.
- Track patterns. What, exactly, sets off the trigger: pressure, language, angle, context, timing, breath, scent, a word? Curiosity over criticism.
Toys and tools can support this process because you stay in control. Stop anytime. Adjust anytime. Control is the antidote to what trauma took.
For Partners: How To Respond In The Moment
If your partner shuts down, freezes, cries, or goes distant, do this:
- Hands off. Immediately stop. No questions. No pressure.
- Signal safety. Say, “You are safe with me. Do you want space or a cuddle?”
- Follow their lead. If they want space, give it. If they want to be held, hold without escalating.
- Debrief later. Not in the heat of the moment. A simple, “When you are ready, I want to understand what happened so we can figure out what helps.”
This is not about you failing. This is about their nervous system flagging a memory. Respecting that boundary builds trust faster than any technique.
Common Triggers, Clean Explanations
- Sudden shutdown mid intimacy
Likely a trigger. Not a loss of attraction. Not disgust. A body-based alarm. Pause. Reground. Reconnect later. - Tears during or after sex
Often a release. The body let go of stored emotion. If tears are tied to guilt or self-punishment, explore that story with care. - Avoidance of touch or eye contact
Shame, discomfort, or deeper trauma. Start far from the bedroom: hand on hand, back-to-back breathing, slow presence without goals. - People-pleasing in bed
Usually learned early. Love was earned by doing. The fix is boundaries and practice saying no. Start small and celebrate clean no’s. - Overperforming or dissociating
“If I give more, I will be enough.” It backfires. The work is worthiness, not performance.
Communication That Actually Works
Keep it simple, specific, and non-accusatory.
- “When X happens, my chest tightens and I freeze. If that happens, please stop and ask if I want space or a cuddle.”
- “I like A, B, and C. I do not like D. If I say ‘yellow,’ that means slow down. If I say ‘red,’ that means stop.”
- “Tonight I want closeness without sex. Can we cuddle and breathe together for 10 minutes and see how I feel?”
You are training your nervous systems to trust each other. Clear signals accelerate safety.
A Three-Phase Toolkit
Before
- Agree on a stop word and a slow word.
- Decide one intention: comfort, play, or erotic.
- Two minutes of eye-softening and synced breathing.
During
- Keep language soft and specific: “More here,” “Less pressure,” “Pause.”
- Micro-check-ins: “This still good?”
- When in doubt, slow down.
After
- Debrief for five minutes. What worked. What to tweak. Appreciate the effort, not just the outcome.
When Toys Help
- Relearning sensation: start with non-phallic, simple devices.
- Control and consent: you hold it, you set intensity, you stop.
- Couple reconnection: make it exploratory. No performance target.
- Important: toys support healing, they do not replace communication.
Boundaries, Worthiness, and Saying No
If you have lived in people-pleasing, “no” will feel wrong at first. Say it anyway.
- Start with micro no’s in daily life.
- Expect pushback from those who benefitted from your yes. That is their adjustment, not your emergency.
- In intimacy, your no is a gift. It tells your partner how to keep you safe.
What Safe, Soul-Connected Intimacy Feels Like
- You both stay present.
- Trust feels obvious in your body.
- There is room for play, pause, and repair.
- Surrender is not defeat. It is choosing to let go inside a container that holds you.
It will not be perfect. It will be human. That is the point.
If You Feel “Broken”
You are not. You are temporarily misaligned. Alignment returns with:
- Small, consistent self-connection
- Clean boundaries and honest language
- Partners who prioritize safety over ego
- Support from someone you trust
Work With Sandra
- Website: riseaboveyourstory.com
- Book on Amazon: Journey to Yourself: How to Heal From Trauma by Sandra Cruz
- She offers a free consultation. Comfort with your healer matters more than credentials on paper.
Final Word
Intimacy after trauma is possible. Not by pretending the past never happened, but by learning how your body speaks and insisting on partners who listen. Talk about it at the dinner table. Practice in low-stakes moments. Build safety on purpose.
If this hit home, share it with someone who needs the permission slip. Follow the show and drop a 5 star review. We keep it real here because real is what heals.
🎧 Listen to the full episode now:
👉Why Sex Doesn’t Feel Safe: Healing Intimacy After Trauma
– Episode 17